Blaming others easy way out; way to solution found in mirror

Don't Look For Someone to Blame; Concentrate on Solutions

Learning to place blame comes early in life as witnessed by second grader David's self-evaluation in school, "Most of the time I get into trouble it's Roberts fault."  (David's spelling.)  Robert's self-evaluation included, "I can't sit next to David any more.  He talks too much."  It comes as no surprise to learn that David & Robert are best friends.

In any human endeavor, when something goes wrong, it's only natural to think immediately of who made it go wrong, who is to blame.  Most often this makes the problem worse.  The person blamed, in order to exonerate himself or herself, promptly finds someone else to lay the blame on or with whom to share the responsibility for failure.  It frequently turns into a shouting match of exchanged accusations.  "It's all your fault....  "You did....."  "Yes, but you said....."  All too familiar dialogue.

Either the accuser or the victim can put a stop to this, though better yet, head it off by getting all those involved to direct their attention to a solution to the problem.  "This isn't getting us anywhere.  The past is past.  What's done is done.  Here's where we are now.  What can we do about it?  Let's work together.  Charlie, what do you suggest?"

In a business partnership, or in any other kind of joint endeavor, for that matter, things go along smoothly as long as it is profitable & successful.  When trouble arises, however, you find out what kind of partners you have.  Problems compound when partners blame each other & start fighting among themselves.

Keep the team together. And if you are in the middle of a big blow-up w/tempers flaring, suggest that the group disband & meet again later, preferably tomorrow when people have cooled down.

Repeat over & over, "Let's concentrate on the solutions."  Try to keep the situation from deteriorating w/the result that additional difficulties inevitably arise.

This doesn't mean that one shouldn't start promptly to understand what or who caused the problem, but frequently, it's a situation beyond anyone's control.  If so, this should be strongly emphasized.  Some bureaucratic bungle, for example, may have to be straightened out.  However, we usually find that the cause involves people.

Often the problem is lack of training, or lack of information.  Sometimes a collective deadline is missed because one person or one unit failed.

In some cases, if someone just committed a stupid blunder which caused a problem, that person probably feels bad enough without being made more miserable w/accusations.  Perhaps the saddest situation of all is when a person is having blame heaped on himself or herself when the action which caused the difficulty was completely accidental.

When Beverly & Barbara were young, Beverly was swinging her little sister around in a typical childhood activity.  Barbara hit her head on a piece of furniture, eliciting wails of pain.  It was an obvious accident, but something had gone wrong.  Who was to blame?  Beverly, of course.  Admonishments & even anger were heaped on the poor little girl who felt miserable enough about hurting her sister.  Both of the children were hurt, in different ways, but Beverly's might well have been the deeper hurt. 

Several people comforted Barbara.  Only one was sensitive enough to comfort Beverly, with such consoling statements as, "It wasn't your fault, Beverly.  It was just an accident.  Barbara is going to be all right."

If the reason for the problem is inefficiency, more training is needed, or those not performing properly should be warned, removed or immobilized.  If a particularly contentious person, or more than one, is creating personality problems, this should be addressed by rearranging authority, by circumvention, or by head-on discussion w/those who are offending.  These are all steps to finding a solution & are much to be preferred to the, "IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT" syndrome.

Another situation must be considered, one which is frequently overlooked.  There can be those who, w/hidden motives or sometimes motives not so hidden, are purposely trying to scuttle a project to achieve their own ends. 

But means can be found to prevent this. Meet with them & seek an accommodation.  This may justify a one-on-one frank & open discussion as described in Chapter 23, "Solving the Problem One On One".

It's such a tragedy when people, friends or family, for example, face a problem & end up alienated from each other.  Rather than binding together, they split apart.  Reports indicate that when a couple loses a child in death, it frequently causes a divorce.  Yet bereavement is the time when they should be comforting each other, when the deepest love should & can prevail.

To summarize, when things go wrong, don't just look for someone to blame.  Keep the team/family together & turn the effort toward finding a solution.  In doing so, analyze the circumstances as well as the motivations of those involved & take the action necessary to put the situation back on track.

Blame most often prevents a solution.

Just How Much Responsibility Should We Take?

I'm a big believer in personal responsibility.

Did you ever wonder what our world would be like if everyone in it always took responsibility for themselves? There certainly would be fewer problems & less drama. I bet our 24-hour news programs would have a hard time coming up w/enough material to fill the airwaves.

In my experience, people who consistently take responsibility are few & far between. Most people seem to find it easier to blame the government, their parents, their spouse, their kids or the star under which they were born for anything they don't like. It's a rare person who first looks at their part in producing the results in their life.

So on the one hand we have people who blame others &don't take responsibility. And on the other, we have those who take total responsibility for their lives. But in my opinion, this is not the full picture.

I believe the truly responsible person is in the middle of the spectrum rather than the opposite end. The far left belongs to those who take TOO MUCH responsibility. Instead of blaming others, they blame themselves.

I won't tell you that I've always been personally responsible. I haven't. I do my best not to blame others & I think for the most part I succeed. But I've also fallen to the other extreme. I took too much responsibility - I blamed myself.

Blaming yourself is no better than blaming others. In fact, it may be even more destructive.

I've read of many veterans who felt guilt for having survived while their fellow soldiers were killed. My father, a B-17 pilot during World War II, writes in Ready or Not: Into the Wild Blue, about this feeling after his liberation from a German prison camp: "I had been having a difficult time relating to people . . . it was impossible for me to show gratitude. My sleep was sporadic & nights were filled w/remorse for my comrades who were lost & especially my 3 crewmen who died."

He's a caring man & I believe to this day he still has similar feelings. But it's sometimes a fine line between empathy & blaming one's self. Feeling bad about the misfortune of others doesn't help them or us. It may keep us even more stuck.

And feeling guilt about what we've done or what we've failed to do doesn't help either. This is an over-sense of responsibility.

If you're one of those people who takes on too much, I hope you'll recognize this in yourself. In doing so, you can begin to direct your energy in a more constructive fashion.

In attempting to be a person of responsibility, we can sometimes slip into self reproach. The aim is to be personally responsible w/out blaming, without taking on too much.

I'm Sorry! Blame-Game or Accountability?
By Sharon Ellison

A powerful tool for health can be to focus on giving &/or receiving only real apologies when we want to heal a rift with a family member, friend, or co-worker. We hear apologies all the time, but I don't think many of them are sincere. An apologies has to be real to heal.

Trang Lei spent the day helping Martha buy furniture & art for her remodeled living room, but Martha never even offered to buy Trang Lei's lunch & so she felt unappreciated. Later when she told Martha she felt hurt, Martha said, "I'm sorry. I was just so excited about what I was buying that I didn't even think about it." Trang Lei didn't feel better. In fact, she felt worse.

· What was wrong with Martha's apology?

Martha's apology came with a built-in excuse, implying that however she behaved was unintentional-beyond her conscious control. Moreover, Martha has an expectation that Trang Lei will accept the excuse. Thus, Martha perpetuates the original problem by continuing to be more focused on herself than on Trang Lei. I call this kind of apology "Sorry-Excuse."

Even Martha wasn't consciously manipulating, her goal wasn't to take responsibility but to find a way out of it. In most cases, if you don't accept other people's excuses when they apologize, they'll quickly get irrupted at you, blaming you for not being understanding.

When we receive a counterfeit apology we often sense it & so rather than the hurt being healed, it's deepened-as in the old saying, "adding insult to injury." I think almost all of us give such apologies. And we model it for our children.

Guidelines for making real apologies:

One: Identify common formats for apology that are" counterfeit."

If you clearly hear various types of bogus apologies, it'll help you recognize when you give or receive an one. Here are some examples of common phrasing.

· "Sorry-Excuse"
· Example: "I'm sorry I didn't call-I've been really busy."
· Translation: Please be understanding about the fact that other things were more important than you."